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_charlie-sheen-needs-an-intern-and-valium.webp "Metanews: After having “gobbled the soft target” of reaching 2 million Twitter followers like a “bag of troll-house zombie chow,” the unstoppable %u2013and not at all careering towards a full mental breakdown most likely ending in catatonia %u2013 Charlie Sheen is enlisting an intern with there being zero risk of media interest drying up. The perfect opportunity for someone looking for a foot-in-the-door into the heady heights of Hollywood royalty and permanent psychological damage. The advert went something like this%u2026<br/><br/>“Please send a CV, full body shot (does not have to be professional) and your cup size.<br/><br/>Position: Full-time, paid in debilitating Class A drugs and Hooters coupons. I also have a signed photo of my Dad if you want.<br/><br/>Timeframe: Until I%u2019ve jumped the shark so much I become a parody of myself.<br/><br/>Description:<br/><br/>-Massaging my nursing tigers mammaries so that their teats are constantly ready for milking. We will be mixing this with ether and auctioning them off in Maximuscle bottles on eBay as #TigerBlood<br/><br/>-Deflecting all %u2018remember that time he knocked the shit out of a woman%u2019 news stories with humour, please remember I exposed those women to “magic”.<br/><br/>-Letting me beat you at Mortal Kombat, thumb-wars and masturbation races. I need to maintain a constant level of #winning.<br/><br/>-Ensuring I always have a fresh rotation of porn stars in my play pen%u2026guest room, whatever. Bonus to your pay packet if you can find me Annabel Chong.<br/><br/>-Threatening my fellow A-list celebrities into Tiger Blood endorsements. Kim Kardashian%u2019s ass high priority for advertising space.<br/><br/>-I need an eight-ball inserted into my anal passage each morning. This isn%u2019t a glamorous task but you should be fucking grateful to be in the presence of a Hollywood legend, do you realise I was in Scary Movie 3?<br/><br/>-Keeping the sniper on my roof fed and watered. They are operating on a shoot to kill policy for any mental health workers that have the audacity to approach Sheen HQ and need to be alert.<br/><br/>Knowledge of first aid, CPR and KY jelly wrestling skills are an advantage. As are breasts.”")
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